Sometimes i have
a tinny or two
If I've had a bad day
i might even have a few
I like to have crisps
between slices of bread
And I will eat a chicken
but only if its dead.
And sometimes i try plants and flowers,
hibiscus
But mostly I only eat
eucalyptus.
KOALAS CAN FUCK OFF
there are some things what live in the tress things that look a lot like me. They have ears and nose like mine but to be safe, look for the signs A koalas not a drop bear, that rumor has lasted, What they are is lazy cheating bastards. THey nick my beer and they sit up high And they take the piss and I'll tell you why; There's a certain bunch of female ones that I don't miss How the fuck else do you think I got syphilis.
LONELINESS
I'm a sad bear when the sun doesn't rise
cos I've been sleeping all day and now it's night.
I'm a sad bear when I pick up a phone
then realise I don't have one. ANd I'm all alone.
Except I'm not really alone cos there's fucking koalas
living near my tree house and shouting at all hours
and eating my leaves and they also ate my cress.
I'd been growing that for ages and they left it in a mess.
I'm a sad bear but I won't be beaten
cos I found a kebab and its only half-eaten.
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO BORIS JOHNSON’S HAIR
Floaty, floaty, it looks like a laugh
Like the blokes spent hours with a van de graff
flopping and flying like a static cat
what has just stepped on a carpet tack.
Whatever your leaning you would think
a prime minister uses the mirror 'bove his sink
And say maybe this yes, today let it be known
that it's time for me to use
a fucking comb.
WHERE I LIVE
I don't live in the sea, I don't live in the clouds.
I don't sit underwaterfalls, or fields among cows.
I don't hang out on stars up in the sky,
And don't live on the hills - and I'll tell you why.
I've been here in town, for the longest,
Cos there's nowhere else you can find a Londis
WINDOWS UPDATES
A computer's the height of technology now
Can be used by all, low and high brow.
But if you have windows, you'll have to wait
cos your laptop's doing a
fucking
update.
Doesn't matter if you've got a presentation need to show
Or a deadline impending or emergency, you know
It doesn't matter the time, doesn't matter the place
Cos windows wants to do a
fucking
update.
Need your laptop to prove to your boss you're a pro?
Need to send an email on a holiday to go?
Well looks like you're screwed, cos quite frankly mate
Windows needs to do a
fucking
update.
PIE
Pie is good. I like the crust
I like it with gravy, and mash is a must,
MAybe some peas, or beans at a push
serve it with chips, and dont eat in a rush.
Savor the bite, and savor the filling
Just cook it through if it were in the fridge chillling.
YOu don't want to get ill from it do you mate.
aLL sorts of fillings and most of them are great.
BUt I tell you sumthing that might cause you harm
IN the north of england they put them in a fucking barm.
TESCOS
Is anyone else getting fucked off with tescos
Anyone watching daytime TV knows.
Theyve got a certain tone in their adverts right now
captalising on the lockdown
going on about food with friends
eating it together through a camera lens.
DOn't get me wrong, the thought is nice
BUt I'm at home alone eating fries.
Not seen another human for weeks and days
And tesco only care how much you pay
ALl these businesses are taking the piss
CApitalising on what you miss.
HUgs from loved ones, hanging with friends
THe lovely dovey adverts never fucking end.
tHEY Think it's relatable but its not
SO Tesco, and also Sainburys, please just gfuck off.
ALso don'tput jamie oliver on my tv again please. Hemakes me want to inhale chicken nuggets.
THINGS WHAT SHOULD FUCK OFF
Here is some things what should fuck off
I worked hard on this list, so listen up.
Thers lots of things in this list
They are all things what make me feel pissed
ANd not in a good way, like drunk I mean
like livid with rage, are just purely not keen.
Virgin media. You should fuck off
Cancellation fees are a fucking lot
Like 200 quid, i heard you say
So I told you, rudely to go away.
Next is cyclists in london what dont
pay attention to the green cross code.
Some of them think, non gendered woman or men
that a traffic red light don't apply to them.
Go compare, that advert can get wrecked
fat bloke singinge opera, what do you expect
we've spent ten years listning to that shite
I'LL GO COMPare my fists on your face all night.
Matt Hancock, wsho hknows what is his game.
To be honest, the clue is in the name.
i HATE It too when your food shopping is delivered,
And they substitute your gammon with fucking chopped liver.
LIke how is that even remotely the same,
One time I got a white loaf instead of wholegrain.
It's fisrt world problems but I've had enough,
All of these things need to fuck off.
GAMMONS
You see them on TV with their ruddy red faces
Whetherspoons is often one of their favorite places.
They also like politics what is the worst
Like EDL and BRitain FIRst.
Now theres nothing wrong with being proud of country ,
although to be honest, i dont really see,
Why the place you were born would make you better than others,
when we're all mothers, fathere, sisters and borhters.
The gammons get angry at others coming in,
taking their jobs and taking their women.
WEll gammoons, never mind, cos without fail,
you can always stay angry, in the comments section of the daily mail.
WEIRD SEX STUFF
THere's things what people like
THere's things what people don't.
SOMe people will try out new things
and otheres certainly won't.
SOme people are into nostrils,
They try to stick things in.
SOme people dress as priests and nuns
to commit cardienal sin.
Some people like the whips and chains
Some like to be the boss.
SOme people like to slip and slide
on all the lube they've got.
THere's many different kinks
all accross the nation.
But be sure to close the porn tab when
you're giving a work presentation.
EARS
I've got ears what a really big got an acorn stuck in them once. Then the tree started growing quick Sprouting out of my bonce. Birds of every shape and size started trying to make a nest. All day all night I'd hear them squawking I'd never get any rest. But with all this poultry UP on my head tree. I thought fuck it, and up on the branches, opened a KFC.
WETHERSPOONS
Lads lets go to Wetherspoons,
and let's get fucked up.
Let's do a line in a cubicle
while in the next one someone chucks up.
Let's order ourselves some chips
what were cooked sometime last week
Let's down a shot of apple sour
while a drunk lad bares his cheeks.
Lads lets go to Wetherspoons,
When I'm sober id give it a miss,
but the carpet made of sick and dandruff
isn't noticeable when you're pissed.
The owner's kind of a dickhead, sure,
But all the drinks are cheap.
Although when you order a cocktail,
it's usually very piss weak.
LAds let's got to Wetherspoons,
I want a pint what's flat.
I want to cop off with a bloke
who don't have time for a chat.
And when we both get married
2 months latercos thats our style,
we'll bother fuck around on each other
and go on JEremy KYle.
I CAN’T BE DOING WITH THIS GAME CONSOLE LOYALTY BULLSHIT
If you want to start an argument,
when you are online
mention Xbox vs ps4
on a gaming forum sometimes.
They come out in their droves,
these soldiers of consoles,
shouting cos you don't like what they like,
you're probably an arsehole.
If you really want to get
the pitchforks out in a burst,
just say the atari jaguar
was the utter fucking worst.
BE prepared to get facts and figures
thrown at you in packs,
"yes it was 64 bit,
even Trammel confirmed that!"
LIke mate, I really don't give a toss
I just know what I like.
And honestly, I think most of the games
were complete utter shite.
LOCKDOWN SUPERMARKET
You've to follow the arrows taped upon the floor,
Because if you do not - it's written in the law -
A middle-aged man in white trainers and wearing shorts,
Will use his trolley to block your path and grin like you've been caught.
"Youve got to follow the one way", he will say
from behind a mask of fleece.
He's been retired a couple years now
and thinks he's the fucking police.
The supermarket is deserted,
its just you and this bloke,
who seems to delight in making sure
social distancing isn't broke.
He imagines himself standing
wearing a mask and a cape,
and the supermarket staff yelling Kevin!
you are great!
Well I had the last laugh, cos of what id seen.
In his trolley, he had some hemaroid cream.
PIN NUMBER
I forget my pin number when I was at the till,
Just staring at the numbers what were making up the bill.
I tried to use my fingers for muscle memory,
but when I raised by hand, a drew a blank, didn't know what it be.
Them in the queue behind me
starting tutting and shuffling their feet,
I'm starting to sweat, my breathing heavy, I'm really feeling the heat.
But thank god modern technology could help me out of this mess.
I took my bank card out
and used contactless.
